Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More
I would have never guessed that my boss was a necromancer, but I guess you can never tell with these things. I honestly don’t think it would have changed the answers on my Employee Satisfaction Survey though.
You see, every year corporate has us fill out this Employee Satisfaction Survey, to see how we feel our boss is doing. Personally, I thought they just filed them away somewhere and never looked at them, but I guess that’s not the case. Corporate actually takes an active interest in these surveys, especially when a manager continually gets low ratings
Like I said before, it probably wouldn’t have got me to change how I answered the survey, but knowing what I know now. I probably would have shown a little more tack when filling out the comment section.
I thought the whole point of these surveys was to be honest though. Plus the whole thing is supposed to be anonymous, so of course I was a little freer with the information than I would have been otherwise.
Apparently corporate had a meeting with my boss and I don’t know what happened, but he was beyond pissed. Whatever they told him it mustn’t have been good, because when he got back to the office, he started stomping up and down the hallway. Shouting out the comments I had made on my survey for everyone to hear. Just ask anyone and they’ll tell you. You could hear him coming from miles away mumbling to himself incoherently and occasionally shouting out something like, “oh, so I don’t have any organizational skills do I? I’m a micromanager with no clue how to manage am I? And yes this is my real hair by-the-way!”
I don’t know how he figured out it was me, but it was a real violation of the whole anonymous part of that survey if you ask me.
I have to say it was kind of scary. Him vowing vengeance and telling me I would rue the day I crossed him and all. I mean, come on, who still talks like that?
I really didn’t take that much offense to it. I figured it was just sour grapes talking and honestly didn’t take it that serious.
Obviously my opinion changed when a couple of zombies showed up at my front doorstep. I mean come on, how immature can you be? They asked my opinion and I gave it. Did he really need to raise the dead with the intention of killing me?
Fortunately for me my grandfather was a backwoods sorcerer from way back, so I know how to fight fire with fire. Not that I would ever raise zombies. I’ve always been a little more partial to demons myself.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Oh my god, Sorcery, Demons,” and you know, for the most part you would be right, but where I come from we always looked at it like smoking or dipping. Deep down you know you’re not supposed to be doing it but, everyone still does.
Plus, not all demons are like what you see in the movies or read about in religious text. I mean, if you can get past the smell, and the fact that their first instinct coming into this world is to rip your face off. Then they’re really not that bad to be around at all. I think they really are misunderstood and in general get a bad rap.
Now do I summon them forth into this plain of existence just to hang out? Well no, but that’s not a trust issue, it has more to do with practicality.
You spend years building up a good working relationship with anyone. Whether it be a person or a supernatural being from another plain of existence, so you don’t want to make a pest out of yourself if you don’t have to, because in the end, it’s always about good manners.
Of course an angry boss sending zombies to my home to consume me seems like a fairly legitimate reason for calling in a favor or two.
Now normally, summoning something into our plain of existence takes time. There are rituals, incantations and a whole lot of other boring crap, but that’s usually when you want to bring something big into our world. I’ve found that there are smaller creatures that don’t take half the effort to summon, and are just as capable of getting the job done.
My favorite is Mr. Silly Slime. Now of course that’s not its actual name. It has no concept of the individual self so it can’t tell me its name because it has no concept of what a name even is. It reminds me of that toy, Silly Slime that I use to play with as a kid though, so Mr. Silly Slime seemed as good a name as any.
It’s small and generally overlooked by most people but it will devour an dissolve anything it gets a hold of, and all it takes to summon it, is just drawing out a symbol made out in my own blood, and poof it’s here.
I do have to use caution though, because like I said before, it will consume anything it gets a hold of. Fortunately the zombies were far enough away from my door, so I could draw the symbol out in front. Of course they came at me as soon as I opened the door, but zombies have never been known for their speed so I got everything I needed to get done in plenty of time to make it back into my home safely.
I have to say, I almost felt sorry for that first zombie that stepped in Mr. Silly Slime. It was like watching one of those cartoons where someone steps in glue or rubber cement, and gets snapped back into place every time they try to move forward.
It was kind of funny to watch in an unhealthy perverse kind of way, especially when the second one stepped in Mr. Silly Slime too. Both of them moaning and trying to move forward, slowly shrinking as Mr. Silly Slime devoured them.
The one real problem I will say about Mr. Silly Slime is it takes forever for it to completely devour something as big as those zombies. I was up all night waiting for it to finish. I mean I had to stay up to make sure some unsuspecting person didn’t come along and step in Mr. Silly Slime too. When it comes to using the dark arts I’m all about safety first.
I was absolutely exhausted when I got to work the next day but it was worth it to see the surprised look on my boss’s face as I walked by his office.
It was almost as if I could see the mental dialog bubbles appearing over his head. “What the-, How did you-, Oh, crap!”
During our staff meeting you could tell he was fishing for information. When he started the meeting off by asking, “So how was everyone’s night?” Everyone but me was a little confused by this since it was the middle of a work week. Even our confirmed partiers were looking at each other confused, wondering what they did the night before that was even worth bringing up.
Of course I knew exactly what he was fishing for, but I wasn’t going to tell him. I mean, if he thought in the middle of a staff meeting I was going to just blurt out, “well I had one hell of a night, and by hell I mean I summoned a primordial slime creature from another dimension to destroy those two zombies you sent after me you necromancing scum-bag.” Then he was in for a very rude awakening.
Let him suffer not knowing; besides I don’t like to mix my private life with my work life, so saying something like that at a staff meeting just seemed completely inappropriate to me.
Besides, I was really willing to just let the whole thing go. I mean, he sent zombies to kill me; I summoned a demon to destroy them, all things being even, let’s just call it a day and move on with our lives.
Some people just can’t let things go I guess, because sure enough, two more zombies ended up at my front door that night.
I pretty much got rid of them in the same manner as I got rid of the others. No big deal really. It was just more annoying than anything.
The next morning I went to work early so I could put a hex bag in his office. Nothing serious, just a little something that would give him an uncontrollable case of the hiccups, which I know is a little immature, but I had to do something.
I can’t have zombies showing up at my home every time this jerk feels like I’ve wronged him. I have kids for crying out loud and this is really setting a bad example for them.
I figured a little show of force would give him pause before trying to raise the dead again. If anything it would let him know I was someone not to be trifled with.
That was the theory anyway.
Now I have to say I’m a very patient person, but I do have my limits. For example, one night of zombie attacks are disturbing, but there are worse things in the world. A second night, okay I’m getting a little annoyed, but hardly worth getting upset over, but three nights in a row is about where my patience ends.
The next day I marched into his office, closed the door and yelled, “What the hell is your problem? The company asked me my opinion on a stupid survey and I gave it. Get over it and quit sending your stupid zombies to my house. The only thing they’re accomplishing is giving Mr. Silly Slime gas for crying out loud.”
And you know what happened? The jerk sent a hungry ghost after me.
Can you believe that?
I mean come on, please, my grandfather use to summon Babylonian hell hounds to chase me around the farm when I got a bad grade in school. Which you might think is kind of harsh but considering I graduated Magna Cum-Laude, it all seemed justified in the end.
So if mister boss man thought his little pussy hungry ghost was going to intimidate me then he was in for an unpleasant surprise.
I mean for crying out loud. A simple barrier of salt and poppy seeds confuses the ghost and sends it right back to the one who summoned it. Both of which I just so happen to be carrying in my lunch bag during this unfortunate incident. Not that I was preparing for something like this. It’s just my wife is into this whole European diet thing. I guess they use salt and poppy seeds on almost everything over there.
I have to say, I really did feel sorry for him when that ghost turned around and started to attack him.
Apparently he was just a novice and not the formable master like I thought he was. Which is what I feel is one of the big problems with the internet these days. Everyone that finds a necromancy chat room or how-to site automatically thinks they’re a master of the great unknown.
Which my boss found out the hard way was not the case.
You should have seen him ranting and raving as they took him out of his office wearing a straitjacket. Bound for the Happy Hill Sanitarium to get the help he so badly needed.
I refer not to his unwise use of the dark arts that has left him possessed but his clear anger management issues that was making him act out the way he did. It is clear by this whole episode that he was not a happy person, and this whole Employee Satisfaction Survey thing was the final straw that made him snap.
Well, after his scheduled exorcism, I hope he gets the treatment that he needs. I hear they are doing wonderful things with shock treatment these days and I hear a good colonic administered by a professional does wonders for the soul.
And if he ever rejoins us here at work, I hope that we can put this unseemly incident behind us with no ill-will between us. I really do hope that’s the case, because at this rate, if any more zombies show up, Mr. Silly Slime will become big as a Buick.
Jeff Folschinsky’s plays have been seen at various theaters across North America. He is also creator and staff writer for Perilous and The Trials and Tribulations of Vicky Vixen, a serial late night soap opera spoof at the Eclectic Company Theater in North Hollywood, California. Jeff’s plays The Unsinkable Bismarck, A Pill By Any Other Name Is The Wrong Dosage, Rendezvous and Revelations and Kisses From Abroad are published by One Act Play Depot. His full length play Turkey Day that had it’s world premiere at The Eclectic Company Theatre, is published by both Norman Maine Play Publishing and Big Dog Play Publishing. His play he co-wrote with Tyler Tanner The Singing Bone is published by JAC Publishing. Jeff has written and produced the popular podcasts Virgin Falls, Pasiones Obsesionantes, The B-Movie Bastards and Cult Movie Cuisine. Jeff has also written a movie with Tyler Tanner and Stephanie Wiand called Revenge of the Bimbot Zombie Killers which was directed by Joe Camareno and is due to be released later this year.