Eclectic Voices

Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More

On the Porch

stockvault-halloween-pumpkin127595Part of Eclectic Voices’ Halloween Edition
a monologue by Tyler Tanner

A frowning old man sitting in a chair with a shotgun next to a smashed pumpkin.

OLD MAN: Well C’mon. Get yer candy. Yer not gonna trick me are ya? I don’t like bein’ tricked. Well then C’mon. Aint nothin’ but rock salt anyways. Might break the skin a little. You ever been shot with one of these? No? Well it ain’t no fun I tell ya. I’s ‘bout ten….no twelve when I got shot the first time. Huh? Oh….let see I got Necco wafers and …smarties….and tootsie rolls……they was in a whatcha call a combo package. Nah I don’t blame ya bout the tootsie rolls. They’re a last resort. Some college student came by and said that they was the bar hag of Halloween candy. Only to be eaten when the rest are gone. Ha!Ha!Ha! Dang near spit out my beer when I heard that! Cuz it’s true! I didn’t give him no candy though. He didn’t take no time with costume so I didn’t give him no candy. Said he was a zombie. Please! I said he stole his mamma’s eye shadow and fergot to warsh his shirt. What’s a bar hag? How old are you? Seven! Well….. you’ll find out in about five years or so, trust me. Hey, now what are you supposed to be? Lemme guess. A robot. A what Prime? Oh, I never heard a that one….Oh. Alright sure you don’t any candy? …… Ma’am… naw…naw…I was just chattin’ up yer son here a bit…oh no he’s not botherin’ me ‘tall….alright then…you’re names Marshall? Okay. Bye Marshall……… What in the Hell is an Optical Prime. What happened to all the Vampires and Frankensteins and Mummies? They was classics. Not like them ….

He catches sight of someone and narrows his eyes, gripping his shot gun, following the person left to right.

I betcha that was the sumbitch who dun smashed my pumkin. Go on, try it again you dang punk! I’m ready for ya this time! That’s right you just keep on walkin! I know who you are! I seen you at WalMart! Oh Howdy…. c’mon over. I don’t bite…. naw it’s just for show….hey are you a pirate? That’s a classic I guess…..Who’s a sparrow?….You are? I thought you was a pirate. Oh. Oh, I see. What I see that one time last year on the other Halloween? Oh Yeah! Some long haired hippie kid was dressed as our lord and savior Jesus Christ. And to top it off, he had a “Hello. My Name is” tag on him and on the tag it said I-N-R-I. So not only was he being a blasphemer but he was also a Catholic! Can you believe that? That boy is goin’ straight to hell if his mama don’t get him first. You go to church? Uh….let’s see I got Necco wafers…..What ju say ta me???

Stands up aiming the shotgun.

OLD MAN (CONT’D): Girl, You get the hell off a my property. Now you idjit! This place ain’t haunted. This here’s a fine establishment. Been here for over seventy five years! And that boys payin’ his debt up in Huntsville…..

The old man follows with the shotgun and then sits back down.

OLD MAN (CONT’D): Lucky they didn’t throw his ass in Lufkin with the rest of the loonies. Sure this place needs a little paint, but it ain’t so bad that it you’d call it haunted. One bad thing. One. Bad. Thing. And you can forget all the happiness that happened in this house…..Hey! You want some candy? ….I ain’t no stranger. You live down the ways on my street. Your mama works at the gas station where I pump my gas. I like your clown outfit. It’s very……glittery. You sure? Okay Then. Happy Halloween! ….. He ain’t like that no more! He found Jesus!….. I didn’t know nuthin’ about it and you and this whole dang town know it!

The old man follows with eyes as they leave.

OLD MAN (CONT’D): I didn’t know nuthin’ about it. Said the smell from the shed was from all the….. taxidermy. He did deer, dillas, fish. You name it. Told me not to go in there so I didn’t. My Dad was a mean sumbitch. Always in my business so…. a boys got to have some privacy….. thought he was looking at girlie mags…..Well Hi! No. No. No. It ain’t even loaded. Look.

The old man aims in the air and dry fires.

OLD MAN (CONT’D): See? Now son. Why do have a box of Cheerio’s around your neck? And what’s that thing coming out of it? What is that? Is that a knife? Oh! It’s one of those riddle costumes! Oh, I love those! Okay, lemme think. I’m gonna get this. Cheerios…Cheery….Oh-y…. Yellow? Does it have something to do with the color of the box. No? Okay. Lets see. Cheerios are a cereal….and you got a knife through the cereal…. so that…that means you killed the cereal! I’m I right? So it’s killer cereal? Close! Good! Okay. Killer Cereal…Killer Cereal, Killer Cereal, Killer Ceral…..killer…….That’s it. I’m dun fed up with you all harassing an innocent man. That was my boy that done those things, not me. What’s yer name, son. Corey what?…..Wadell…as in Ruth Wadell? Was she your sister?…..I am so sorry what my boy did to -….. But you gotta believe me that I had nuthin’ – …..Is that knife real?……it’s big. I don’t want no trouble, son. I just want to be left alone. Please put the knife away, son….Son, put the knife away.

Lights fade.


Originally from Texas, Tyler Tanner, as a young lad, dreamed of becoming the next Don Dokken. At Lon Morris College his musical tastes refined and realized he was more of a Robert Goulet type. He then tried his hand at writing comedy. It started with an online comedy troupe called What’s Wrong With Wally, then evolved to Tres Grimm at The Met and a late night serial comedies at Sacred Fools and The Eclectic. He has now “matured” to drama where he incorporated his wittiness and love of history into a monologue called “A Life” which played also at the Eclectic.

3 comments on “On the Porch

  1. b00kreader
    October 7, 2013

    This was great! I had no idea where it was going which I loved.

  2. Tyler Tanner
    October 8, 2013

    Thanks for the comment! I had no idea where it was going either. I just had the image of the old man and then just kept writing. Part of the fun to was to find out how it would end.

  3. Taylor
    October 9, 2013

    Love it! Another creative take on horror, another perspective: something very different. And a very clear character. Would love to see this one performed. Nice work, Tyler!

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This entry was posted on October 6, 2013 by in Monologues and tagged , , , , , , , , .
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