Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More
A rather normal looking male, appearing somewhere in his mid-twenties to mid-thirties, dressed casually, stands center stage.
MAN: Okay, first things first, and I really can’t stress this enough — We. Don’t. Sparkle. Got it? I have had to put up with a lot of fucking Magic Necro bullshit over the years, but that one really takes the cake. Stephanie Meyer can just kiss my entire ass.
What did you think I was going to say?
Anyway, I know there’s already plenty of haters out there, and I don’t want to come off as some kind of hipster, but my hate is legit so you Twihards can just shut your cake holes.
Next is the sunlight thing. I do not burst into flames when the sun comes out. Don’t be ridiculous. What the hell do you think starlight is? Or moonlight? What, being reflected off the moon’s surface somehow grants photons magic powers? Or rather, removes them? Are you fucking stupid?
So why do we stay out of the sun, you ask? Um, hello? Skin cancer? Yeah, I don’t really know if I can get it either, but I didn’t get to be over three hundred years old by risking my delicate skin for a little color. The key to staying alive… or rather… you know what I mean, the key to sticking around is risk management, and that’s just one more thing none of really feel like taking our chances with. I mean, even now, you would not believe how little it takes to find and angry mob with torches and pitchforks knocking at your door.
Which brings me to the stake-through-the-heart thing. Yes, a stake through the heart will kill me. Hey, guess what happens if I stab you through the heart with a big fucking pointy stick? Just like if I beheaded you, or set you on fire, or shot you in the face, you know what I’m saying? How about, “don’t start none, won’t be none,” huh? How about that?
Anyway, back to the Magic Necro thing. My reflection shows up just fine in mirrors. Again, reflecting off of various surfaces neither grants nor removes magic powers from photons. Garlic? Love it. I do a lot of cooking, especially Italian, and I grow all my herbs and vegetables, including garlic. That one is all Stoker, as far as I know. He started a bunch of this crap.
Okay, I don’t eat most of the food I cook. I nibble a little bit here and there, but that’s only because the guts don’t really work the way they used to, not because food turns to magic poison or something.
And since we’re on the subject of fiction, let me disabuse of this notion that my life is nothing but wall to wall gothy, perverted sexytimes. Thank you, Anne Rice.
Don’t get me wrong, I know plenty of goths, and they are all very nice people.
I’m just saying, my condition doesn’t grant me dark, sexytime mental powers any more than it’s kept me from needing about sixteen viagra to get it up any more.
Look, age is age, okay? It’s not any easier on me than it is on you. If anything, it’s probably harder.
Frankly, the same goes for dating. I’m as average looking as the next guy, and like I said, no special powers. Plus there’s my condition. You know what I’ve found works? Listen to people and generally be interested in what they’re saying and who they are. You should try it some time. Besides, everybody who’s ever been to West Hollywood knows that all those guys in those movies with the chiseled hard man-bodies are straight up gay. Hollywood’s best kept secret.
Again, not that I’m judging. I’m pretty much pro-everything. Another thing about getting to be my age is that you really learn how to let go of your hang ups.
Do you know what I do with my time? I knit. Okay? It’s soothing, and it gives me something to do with my hands while I’m watching TV. Knitting and crossword puzzles. I know, kinky, right? Real hellfire club stuff.
Let’s see, more Magic Necro crap…
Oh! Crosses and other religious icons! Okay, I’m going to give you some bad news, and I’m going to try and be as gentle as I can about it, but that’s just more of the same comforting bullshit that makes up most religions.
Look, I’m not trying to harsh anybody’s God high, okay? I’m really not. I have no knowledge, or opinion really, on whether or not God exists. But that’s not what I’m talking about. That’s really a separate issue, which sometimes people could be a little better about wrapping their heads around, but like I was saying… I’m not trying to tell you God doesn’t exist, I’m just saying a lot of what you get from church, or temple, or mosque, is really kind of a lot of comforting bullshit meant to keep you guys in line, and to keep you from freaking out about every little thing. Or, in some cases, to keep you freaking out about what your various quote-leaders-end-quote want you guys freaking out about, but that’s a whole other can of worms that’s maybe just best left alone.
Back to the Magic Necro thing. Let’s see… I don’t fly, I can’t turn into a bat, or a wolf, or a rat swarm or whatever. No magic shape-shifting powers of any kind. That’s just more sanguineist bullshit, just like all this other crap. I’m so tired of it. And so much of it is all Stoker, Rice and Meyer. Look, I’m not saying they’re not good writers…
Okay, I might be saying at least one of them only counts as a writer if you expand the definition to those who spell COUGHstephaniemeyerCOUGH…
Just, you know, don’t believe everything you read, okay. Think about this kind of shit before you open your mouth. Try and put yourself in someone else shoes. And stop believing in all this Magic Necro crap. You have a brain, use it. I don’t understand why thinking can be so difficult for so many people. I mean, really.
Anyway, look, I just really needed to get that off my chest. Mostly, like I said earlier, “Don’t start none, won’t be none.” That’s really how I try to live my… Ah, never mind.
Hey, wanna grab a bite?
Sean Kozma is a writer, sound designer, and audio technician living in Los Angeles, and working in professional theatre. He also works behind the camera on independent films as production manager, assistant director, and line producer. Originally hailing from southeast Michigan, he has worked as a dishwasher, a fry cook, a delivery driver, a taxicab driver, a dispatcher, an engraver, and an office drone. He is currently writing a novel, among other projects.