Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More
Coach: Alright… I’m only gonna to say this one… more… time. Vampires are not, I re-peat, NOT invincible. Occasionally invisible. But not, again, NOT invincible. I don’t have tell you guys it’s Halloween. H-A-double-L-WEEN. And I sure as fire don’t think I have to tell you guys we’re gettin our butts kicked out there. They are really stickin it to us. Speakin a which, Bobby, your offense is pa-thetic. Stick. Heart. Stab. It’s a pretty dag gum simple concept. Get it done. Joey, I don’t know what you’re grinnin about. That stunt with the cross just ain’t going to fly. Get that cross up high and let God do the work. You’re makin it to hard by half. Get it together. And don’t get the idea it’s all on the offense. Our defense is about as piss-poor. We have garlic for a reason, people. Which reminds me, somebody slap Jimbo. Garlic… is… not… for… eating, you moron. How many times do I have to drill that into your block-like head? A good defense can be a good offense for the defense. Tiny, put up your garlic line and don’t let’em beat you out on your edges. Johnson, do you know what holy water is? I was just wondering because you act like you’ve never touched the stuff before. Wrap it up. You got butterfingers worse than a buttered baker. Not now! You fumble that thing one more time you’re dead. You hear me. And Homer, speed it up. I’ve seen one legged zombies scramble faster than that. You gotta pick up the pace. Get your rice spread out over the resting place before they get out to attack. It’ll take’em all night to count all those little grains. You gotta go, gotta go, gotta go, go, go. Gessepi, back to the basics, son. When they got everyone covered like a cheap wet blanket, throw those knotted ropes. They can see pretty good in the dark but it’ll take’em a long time to get those things undone. It’ll drive’em crazy. Which gives our offense time to hit’em with the bells. You remember how to use your bells… not right now! Thank the Big Guy they hate those bells ringing more than I do. Which brings me to our special teams. Good Lord Almighty in Heaven and the Great Big Beyond. What in tarnation are you boys doing out there? Romero, Argento, what have I been saying? To keep a vampire from returning you cut off the big head and the hands. Where you got the idea to cut off the feet and the other thing, I give up. Get you’re heads in the game. We’re not out of this yet. We can do this. We’re in this for the long hall guys. Stick together. Stop grinin, Bobby. Remember, there are no ‘I’s in we-could’ve-beaten-those-guys-except-we-wouldn’t-respond-well-to-what-coach-had-to-say. Now, when you get back out there, there are no mirrors, so watch your backs. Keep those crosses up and keep your bibles handy. Now throw those scarves back on and let’s get back out there and give’em hell. Alright, bring it in. Baby Jesus on one. JE-SUS! God help us in the second half.
Mark Bate, who resides in Southern California, started writing as a standup performer. Later evolving into a staff writer for sketch comedy shows like B-Movie Bastards, The Comedy Bunker and the late night soap opera Ambition. His contributions to serial theatre shows in Los Angeles have included UFO: Undeniably Funky Objective and Kung-Fu Jesus for Sacred Fools Theatre as well as various monologues performed for Eclectic Voices. Recently, he has completed two full-length plays: I Love A Rainy Night and Ghostwriter.