Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More
DOLPHIN TRAINER: My name is Kenny. I train dolphins. I should have been an accountant. Aquamazing Land pays me money to teach dolphins to jump through a fiery hoop of death, or honk a bicycle horn, or any number of things that will make people throw money at the park like its a cure for aids. Its not like I woke up one morning and decided I want nothing more than to spend all day with a bunch of aquatic prima donas. Slinging fish into there little smiling faces, Christ. I really wanted to be an accountant. God, I wanted to be an accountant. Crunching numbers and wearing a nice dry neck tie. This close. I was this close to becoming a CPA and spending the rest of my life in mind-numbing tax form bliss. Right up until I went into that bank and that retard came into rob the place dressed in a big fry costume. I mean the guy was dressed in a giant foam french fries costume, not the bank. I can explain.
Apparently, some people like to take drugs. And when people take a lot of mind altering substances their minds get altered. What a mystery. So, I was standing in line to deposit a check and this…nutcase comes crashing through the front door. More like stumbled and bumbled in through a revolving door. Which I probably would have laughed at like everyone else, except I had been waiting in line for way to long and was going to miss my entire lunch hour. Which I did anyway, by the way. So, fry dude stumbles over and grabs hold of my shirt and starts waiving a gun around. To make a long story short, he didn’t get the money. Right before the cops showed up, he panicked and took me as a hostage out the back way were there was a van full of other people dressed in ridiculous costumes; a box of crayons, a large soda cup with straw and what looked to me like a big foam Cirrhosis of the liver. By the way, did I mention they were all Satanists? I can explain.
Apparently, these geniuses are part of some stupid club where they like to get together and worship the Dark Lord. So, during one of their demonic rituals they got really high and thought Lucifer would love nothing better then these morons to go on a crime spree and need of course they need disguises. Wait, it gets better. One of the knuckleheads, Crayons I think, works for a company that makes these big foam suits for, what ever the hell you would make giant foam suits for. Anyway, we were hauling ass going out by the reservoir. The whole time they’re arguing about what to do with me while the police are starting to gain on them. They didn’t want to go with my suggestion of turning themselves in and leaving me the hell out of it. I thought it was a great idea. Before I know it, I’m wearing the spare costume. I’m guessing someone didn’t show. In a stroke of pure brilliance they created a diversion for the cops to give them time to get away. It worked too. Soon I became giant Cheese Doodle distraction hurtling from a moving van and careening down a concrete embankment. Of course, the officers stopped chasing the van in order to peel me off the pavement. I honestly hated having to sink their car along with their bodies in the reservoir after the one guy shot his partner. I can explain.
After the cops saw that I was ducked taped inside the sweaty mangled doodle cocoon, and after they ripped the tape and all my body hair off, they listened to what I had to say. They must have believed me because they took the cuffs off and gave me some bottled water. That’s when Officer Whatever-his name-was had a freaking heart attack. That I can totally understand, why he had his gun out is beyond me. Maybe he still thought I looked a little sketchy. Anyway, the gun goes off hitting Officer Lucky in the head. They were both dead before they hit the ground. You believe that. Since no one has radioed in to tell anyone anything about anything, I put them both in the car, pushed it in the water and walked the fuck home. Would have been just fine too except for falling buck naked into the marina. I can explain.
I made it most of the way home, which is a house boat a buddy of mine let me stay in for free to keep my rent down while trying to get through accounting school and he was in Europe milf hunting. I don’t know that much about killer bees but I do know that when they get mad they swarm and become like one of those 70’s horror films where everyone dies under the sheer weight of writhing Candyman minions. I’m not sure when I first encountered them, but it is permanently etched into my memory when they decided to take up residence inside what remained of my novelty costume, or form an assault on my balls, still not sure of their true intentions. Well, as you can imagine, I stripped faster than a priest with a new alter boy and without so much as a second thought I dove into the water. I read somewhere that bees hate water. Factoid or urban legend it stuck and it worked. That’s when a dolphin named Skipper saved my life. I can explain.
Turns out I should have been more worried about drowning instead of bees. I hit my head diving into the water. While unconscious, unbeknownst to me, a lady named Kathy was working with a dolphin nearby, Skipper. He’s like an angel with fins. Anyway, Skipper pulls me up and gives me mouth-to-mouth, if you believe Kathy’s version. So, it turns out I owe my life to Kathy and Skipper. I always pay my debts. And before you ask, Kathy and I are getting married in two months and Skipper is the star of the new show here at wonderful Aquamazing Land, and I’m a flipping dolphin trainer. Don’t get me wrong, I love Kathy and I love Skipper. But I swear to God, as soon as they both die I’m going to be an accountant.
DOLPHIN TRAINER was originally performed by Jason Britt at the Eclectic Company Theatre in North Hollywood as part of their Eclectic Voices series.
Mark Bate, who resides in Southern California, started writing as a standup performer. Later evolving into a staff writer for sketch comedy shows like B-Movie Bastards, The Comedy Bunker and the late night soap opera Ambition. His contributions to serial theatre shows in Los Angeles have included UFO: Undeniably Funky Objective and Kung-Fu Jesus for Sacred Fools Theatre as well as various monologues performed for Eclectic Voices. Recently, he has completed two full-length plays: I Love A Rainy Night and Ghostwriter.