Eclectic Voices

Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More

Rudolph Explains

oink29847Part of the Eclectic Voices Holiday Issue
a monologue by Tyler Tanner

RUDOLPH: I don’t know what happened. I really don’t. Sure it was stormy. But look (Nose glows) It’s not an issue for me. Storms are a cakewalk. I mean you should know that, right? And I always fly above the tree line. Higher even. So it doesn’t make any sense for me to crash into a little old lady. I’m sorry it happened. But that’s the thing with Grandmas, they die. My grandma died. Your’s died. Probably not in the same spectacular fashion as this one did, but still. Was she really laid out flat?..Um…The poor soul? Yeah, that was insensitive. You know who you should talk to? Blitzen. Because of her name and all. If the shoe fits….Yeah. It was a saying. I know she has hooves. You don’t have to be so literal. There’s no grey area with you is there? Naughty. Nice. That’s it. You should learn to forgive and forget. Comet and I came to an understanding and learned to work together. I’m just saying that even though Timmy Matthews flipped off his teacher, he did save those kittens from drowning. I think that that should count for something. No I’m not telling you how to do your job and no I’m not trying to change the subject. I told you. I was stuck in the tree because I was trying to get some chestnuts. For you. I came in a little too fast and Blam! When I came to, I look down and see this old lady face down in the snow. It’s not my fault. Oh! Oh! He we go! I was waiting for you to bring that up. Just because I have my own song, does not mean that I’m above it all. Even though you’d all be screwed during a blizzard. Wow. I can’t win can I? Either I’m ostracized for being different or I’m ostracized for being too big for my britches. It’s a saying! I’m sorry that…Dancer didn’t get his own song. I know it’s his thing. Maybe the old lady had a heart attack after witnessing Dancer’s cervidaec twerking. Yes it is a word. I looked it up on Wikipedia. Back to the song: I mean have you listened to those lyrics man? I mean really listened to the lyrics? There’s some pain in those words. Pure unadulterated pain. You don’t know me fat man! You don’t know my pain. My nose does not glow! It illuminates! It radiates! It is a beacon to all outcasts who refuse to conform to the man! I mean you should appreciate that, you’ve been playing second fiddle for how long now? Oh Yeah! Oh yeah! I went there. I brought up the “J” word! The true meaning of Christmas. What’s an iPad compared to eternal salvation huh? You know, that guy kinda reminds me of me. We were both born in a barn. We were both shunned for being different. We both can walk on water – think about it – and we both delivered salvation to the masses through a storm in which there was no hope. True his storm was a little bit more proverbial, but still. I mean He gets songs, you get songs and I got a song. But no one takes liberties with you guys’ songs do they? No inserts their own lyrics in-between verses do they? No one would dare blaspheme those songs would they? But a little old lady supposedly free of sin and on the Nice list walking alone in the woods starts singing:

“Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer (reindeer) Had a very shiny nose (like a lightbulb) And if you ever saw it (saw it) You would even say it glows (like a flashlight) All of the reindeer (reindeer) Used to laugh and call him names (like Pinocchio), They never let poor Rudolph (Rudolph) Join in any reindeer games (like Monopoly)”

…… I’m sorry I can’t go on. See what I’m talking about, man? Pain. So maybe she should get laid out flat…. where there were no witnesses. And no one could prove anything … while one of your loyal servants, dare I say apostles, happened to be in the area and was simply trying to get you chestnuts that you love so much and got caught up in the branches and passed out. All for you sir! All for you. What? ….. I can go? Are you sure? Do you want me to bring in Donner, or?……Okay (Whew!) Hey you what would be nice? Giving that poor old lady here own song. Lets see. how about….

“Grandma got run over by a reindeer. Walking home from our house Christmas eve. You can say there’s no such thing as Santa, but as for me and grandpa we believe. She’d been drinking too much eggnog, and we begged her not to go.  But she forgot her medication, and she staggered out the door into the snow….”

…what you think?

Originally from Texas, Tyler Tanner, as a young lad, dreamed of becoming the next Don Dokken. At Lon Morris College his musical tastes refined and realized he was more of a Robert Goulet type. He then tried his hand at writing comedy. It started with an online comedy troupe called What’s Wrong With Wally, then evolved to Tres Grimm at The Met and a late night serial comedies at Sacred Fools and The Eclectic. He has now “matured” to drama where he incorporated his wittiness and love of history into a monologue called “A Life” which played also at the Eclectic.

3 comments on “Rudolph Explains

  1. b00kreader
    December 16, 2013

    Ha! Good gracious I love back story 🙂

  2. Ken Patton
    December 19, 2013

    Oh, my god… YES! No one, and I mean NO ONE does a good and proper rant like you do! And I swear, you could turn this into a drinking game with all of the pop, cultural, and literary references peppered throughout this beautiful piece of work! I’m jealous — this was absolutely wonderful!

  3. Taylor
    January 14, 2014

    LOL. Giving Santa “what for!” Awesome…

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