Eclectic Voices

Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More

Vixen’s Vexation

fat_santa_clausPart of the Eclectic Voices Holiday Issue
a monologue by Jeff Folschinsky

My name is Bob, not Vixen, Bob damn it, and if you know what’s good for you, you won’t make that mistake again.

I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be rude but that name just really pisses me off. And it’s all the fault of that stupid ass poem, A Visit From Santa, or ‘Twas The Night Before Christmas if you really want to be pretentious about the whole thing.

After that stupid thing came out, Santa, or should I say Gustav had a meeting with his PR people and all of the sudden everything had to be re-branded. Of course there was no practical consideration behind this thinking.

For one, there were originally sixteen of us pulling that heavy-ass sleigh before, and then that stupid ass poem came out and all of the sudden eight not so tiny reindeer had to go, and the rest of us were left killing ourselves pulling that fat-ass all over God’s green earth.

We nearly crashed the sleigh eight times the first year we tried it. But instead of admitting he was wrong, he invested in an R & D department to try and make it work. You would not believe the things these people came up with. My favorite is when they put us all in a helium chamber for a couple of hours before we flew, in an effort to help us with our lift.

Unfortunately the helium reacted with our body chemistry in a strange way and every time one of us belched the gasses released caught fire. Which I thought was pretty bad-ass. In my mind, nothing gets a child off the naughty list than seeing a fire breathing flying reindeer headed towards their house at night. Of course his “advisors” thought it would be sending off the wrong message.

I have no idea why he listened to those little fucks. Oh, oh, and that’s another thing. His little helpers, didn’t start off so damn little. They were trying to fix the whole flight thing by creating an anti-gravity device that unfortunately for them had the opposite effect that they were hoping for. Instead of decreasing gravity it actually created a field that increased it. These people were all five, five to six feet tall before they turned that thing on. Afterwards they all walked out of that shop about two foot tall at most.

All of this nonsense was so stupid. About as stupid as those damn names in that poem; Comet, Cupid, Donner and Blitzen. What the hell is a Blitzen and why would you name anything after it?

Although, I have to say it’s much better than Vixen. I’m mean, the name makes no damn sense. I’m a dude for one, and secondly, I’ve been in a steady relationship for the last two hundred years. It’s not like I’m Mr. Randy Reindeer out on the prowl, looking to get lucky. If that were the case then sure, Vixen; why not?

Try explaining that to your wife the first time that fat tub of crap yelled out…Now, Dasher! Now Dancer! Now Prancer, and Vixen! On, Comet! On, Cupid! On Donder and Blitzen! My wife when I got home that night was just sitting there with an empty glass of wine just staring at me as she asked, “so, how was your busy night, Vixen?!”

I kept insisting the man was nuts and that the only reason I ended up with that name was because I was after Prancer and before Comet. This finally got so out of control that I finally had to file an Emotional Distress Lawsuit against that lard-ass to stop this non-sense. Everything ended up fine, our lawyers settle everything out of court. He agreed to only use the names for PR and Promotional purposes but on the job there would be no mention of Vixen or any of the other names, what-so-ever. Also the he would hire back the other eight reindeer to help with the sleigh pulling. Of course I don’t really think he had a choice in that, since the “elves” as they were now called were suing him for criminal negligence.

So if you ever look up in the sky and a see a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer flying towards your home. You should probably run, because it’s probably that fat psycho flying around with an unstable anti-gravity generator. Just saying.

THE END

_____________________________________________________

Jeff Folschinsky’s plays have been seen at various theaters across North America. He is also creator and staff writer for Perilous and The Trials and Tribulations of Vicky Vixen, a serial late night soap opera spoof at the Eclectic Company Theater in North Hollywood, California. Jeff’s plays The Unsinkable Bismarck, A Pill By Any Other Name Is The Wrong Dosage, Rendezvous and Revelations and Kisses From Abroad are published by One Act Play Depot. His full length play Turkey Day that had it’s world premiere at The Eclectic Company Theatre, is published by both Norman Maine Play Publishing and Big Dog Play Publishing. His play he co-wrote with Tyler Tanner The Singing Bone is published by JAC Publishing. Jeff has written and produced the popular podcasts Virgin Falls, Pasiones Obsesionantes, The B-Movie Bastards and Cult Movie Cuisine. Jeff has also written a movie with Tyler Tanner and Stephanie Wiand called Revenge of the Bimbot Zombie Killers which was directed by Joe Camareno and is due to be released later this year.

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One comment on “Vixen’s Vexation

  1. taybrook
    January 14, 2014

    Hilarious, Jeff. Great rant. I love how the writers have had so many different takes on the traditions and stereotypes; really entertaining and funny!!

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