Eclectic Voices

Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More

The Reluctant Satanist

a monologue by Tyler Tanner

Listen to the monologue performed by Sean M. Kozma here:

Sean M. Kozma performing The Reluctant Satanist

Sean M. Kozma performing The Reluctant Satanist

Lights up. An acolyte, can be either a man or a woman, sits cross legged center stage in the middle of a pentagram with burnt out candles at each of the stars points. There is an ancient open book next to the acolyte

ACOLYTE: Um hello? ….Is anyone still here?….The dark lord hasn’t shown up yet……just so you know…….hello? Are you sure you said the right words?…… I took a semester of Latin in college but I think you said Dear wrong.
It sounded like you said annul. As in void. So instead of saying “Adorados te Satan, Carissimi” Which means, I think, “We worship you dear Satan” (Gestures) Please take my soul – you said “Adorados te Satan, Cassamini” which means “We worship you, annuling Satan” (Gestures) Please take my soul – It’s a common mistake…they sound really similar…..but kudos on the passive present conjugation! That one is tricky…….Hello? ……Olly Olly oxen free!…. That was little joke. I know we really aren’t supposed have a sense of humor, but I thought……Hey maybe I should relight these candles. Maybe that would speed things up a bit. Unfortunately I don’t have a lighter or matches. Quit smoking. That was tough. That’s why I never did drugs. Because, you know if I can’t kick a stick…..although that salamander blood was pretty trippy. Let me tell ya. I normally don’t take to exotic fare but it tasted pretty darn good. My stomach didn’t like it though. So sorry about ralphing on your robes Josh – Darn it. I mean – Soulfrost. I got to admit that’s a great name. SOULFROST! I can’t wait until I get mine. I wanna beee…..Catspit!…. Yeah! Yeah! No one would even try to mess with a person named Capspit…… of course it really doesn’t sound that sanitary….I mean would you want to meet a Catspit at a Starbucks for coffee? Not me!…..So I guess I’ll have to go with my standby….. you ready?…..BLOODCLAW! …….I think it’s pretty cool…..Though not as cool as Catspit…..hey maybe I should check the book….. I’m checking the book now you guys! (grabs the book)….. What’s Henbane? Someone doesn’t like chickens. That’s another one of my jokes….. Blood of the beating heart of a cobra……Wow! That must of been tough to come by. It doesn’t specify the type of cobra guys. Are you sure you got the right one? There lots of different kinds you know. What the heck is a Camel spider and how do you pulverize it? Oh I know what those are! Those are nasty buggers. My brother told me about them when he came back from Iraq. Those things will come after you man, I hope you were careful. Furthermore, I hope you got one in a pet store instead of wild caught because if those things become an invasive species…. whew! It won’t be good lemme tell ya……hello?…. Y’know I think I’m gonna call it a day? It looks like Satan, (Gestures) please take my soul, has other plans. When I joined this group I was expecting satanists to be a little bit more…..y’know lively. Not sitting around, wearing black, lighting really stinky candles that go out all the time and complaining about their parents…… but I get it, I kinda joined this to piss off my dad too. He’s a Baptist Preacher. You know Katy Perry’s Dad? Hundred times worse. He burned my Harry Potter book when he found it. But I showed him. I snuck in and watched the movies. All of ‘em. Told him that there was a midnight screening of the Passion of the Christ. Didn’t suspect a thing. It was awesome. So wait until you see the look on his face when I tell him I gave my soul to Satan (gestures) Please take my soul…..if he ever bothers to show up…….hey is this a joke? Am i being punked? (Starts flipping through the book) Hey! You know what? I think you made a mistake. I think you tried summoning a lesser demon instead of the big guy. And it’s not a full moon. It’s definitely a waxing gibbous tonight. Gibbous is latin for hunched. I didn’t learn that one in class. Got that on the internet. So maybe we should try it again in a few days, what do you say….. Okay? Okay. I’m calling it. So we’ll try back in a few days. Sorry about wasting all the ingredients I’ll help you look for a new cobra if you want. This is Bloodclaw signing out!….. This is Catspit signing out. Yeah, Catspit. It’s way more original. Hey, do want me to leave the candles? I don’t mind cleaning up. That book looks pretty old though. You might want to –

Lights change and there is a bone chilling demonic laugh that echoes throughout the chamber. The Acolyte turns center stage and looks out.

Well hey there big fella!


The Reluctant Satanist was performed by Sean M. Kozma in the January 2013 Eclectic Voices monologue show We’re No Heroes at The Eclectic Company Theatre.

Originally from Texas, Tyler Tanner, as a young lad, dreamed of becoming the next Don Dokken. At Lon Morris College his musical tastes refined and realized he was more of a Robert Goulet type. He then tried his hand at writing comedy. It started with an online comedy troupe called What’s Wrong With Wally, then evolved to Tres Grimm at The Met and a late night serial comedies at Sacred Fools and The Eclectic. He has now “matured” to drama where he incorporated his wittiness and love of history into a monologue called “A Life” which played also at the Eclectic.

2 comments on “The Reluctant Satanist

  1. dweezer19
    March 10, 2014

    Funny stuff.

  2. taybrook
    March 12, 2014

    You know I love this monologue!

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