Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More
a monologue by Ken Patton
A woman, standing in an impossibly fluffy and frilly bridesmaid dress, faces the audience, at a slight angle, as she holds a bouquet. She has a wide, strained, and forced smile on her face as she stands there, seemingly frozen.
[talking almost through her teeth at first] 26…26… jesus, is it really 26 now? Damn… 26 times that I’ve pulled on one of these ridiculous dresses because the wedding of some dear friend of mine wouldn’t be complete unless I was a part of it… really – look at this thing; I look like a cupcake on an acid trip! When am I EVER going to wear this monstrosity again? Hmmm… let me think about this a minute – how many times have I been able to wear any of the other dresses again? Zero! That’s how many times… zero! I don’t even want to do the math… this damn dress cost over $400… $400! I can’t believe that I paid GOOD MONEY for the honor of wearing this… this… oh, god… I don’t even know what to call this! And if the average cost of each dress was the same as this one, which is being conservative, mind you… then that’s… 400 times 26 equals…
DARCY starts to do the math on an imaginary chalkboard in the air in front of her. She stops in horror when she reaches the sum of the equation.
Oh, my lord… I’ve spent over TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS on FLUFFY PILES OF CRAP! Why do I do this? Why can’t I learn to say NO? I mean, really… am I so self centered that I feel I can’t possibly deny well, really ANYONE who asks the pleasure of my company at their wedding? Do they ask me because I’m just so bubbly, and so much fun, that they just HAVE to have me around? Or do they ask me because they know I won’t say no… that I’m stupid enough shell out money time and time again on these god-awful dresses? Why would anyone do this to another woman?Are they really that insecure that they need to make us look like cartoon characters? Oh, oh, oh oh no… I know why they keep asking… it’s because they keep stealing my ideas! Every last one of those bitches stole at least one of my wedding ideas for their own… really, you’d think I’d learn to keep my mouth shut by now but I guess I’ll learn that lesson when I finally learn how to say no! Let’s see now… Staci – she stole my wedding color combo; Emma – my dream locale; Laurel, my favorite indie band that would be oh, so perfect for a wedding… Tara, the minute she saw the sketch for the wedding dress that I envisioned, she snatched it up, and the next thing I know, I see her walking down the aisle in it… Nicole, my signature cocktail… Quinn – well, she stole the MAN I was going to marry. At least Blythe is trustworthy – I’ve know her since middle school; she just isn’t like all of the others…
MUSIC CUE: “Because We Are In Love” – Carpenters, starts playing. A big smile crosses DARCY’S face, as she visibly relaxes… for a second.
[NOTE: Music cue should start after the intro, at around the 1:56 mark.]
Oh, I LOVE this song… it’s SO sappy, but the lyrics are just… well… perfect. And it paints such a beautiful story – the anxious and nervous bride talking to her Mother; her Mother giving her advice on her wedding day the advice itself… ‘because you are in love… your eyes begin to open… as if you had awoken from a dream. Because you are in love… you use imagination, and lose your concentration when someone drops his name…’ [sighs] it’s so sweet – so warm… so perfect. The message that… the… the… [realization dawns] oh, you can’t be serious – really, not again! Not Blythe too? I mentioned to her MONTHS ago how I thought this song was the perfect wedding song…We even argued about it – she thought the perfect wedding song was Queen’s ‘Crazy Little Thing Called Love’… she said my Carpenters song was sappy and over produced… OVERPRODUCED! Then why the HELL is it playing now at your wedding! [Calms a bit, as she looks at an imaginary screen] Though it is the perfect backdrop for that video montage… but really – how tacky is it to have a video montage during the wedding ceremony? Lord knows you save that kind of thing for the reception. She could have asked my advice – lord knows I’ve been to enough of these things! Well, that’s it – if Blythe can cross over to the dark side, then really… no one can be trusted. Note to self Darcy — Next time you get that phone call… that invitation to lunch or dinner or cocktails, make sure you eat and drink your fill, make sure they pick up the check, and MAKE SURE YOU SAY NO! No good will EVER come from walking down the aisle yet again in another one of these GLORIOUS creations. I am so fucking mad right now that I could just turn around and… uh, oh… why is everyone looking at me? Was that last part out loud? Did I use my outside voice? What the hell is going on? Huh? Oh… it’s time for me to sing… guess I was a little distracted. Man, I don’t even WANT to sing for that bitch now. Talk about sappy songs… and her stupid, condescending instructions… [mocking] ‘I want my day to be perfect, so you HAVE to sing this song for me at my wedding… your voice is SO beautiful and I just LOVE this song… but please – just sing it straight – don’t over embellish it – no extra ornaments please…’ Then why the hell did you pick a fucking Barbra Streisand song, huh? Steal my wedding song… well, I’ll show you!
DARCY steps forward. MUSIC CUE: “Evergreen” – Barbra Streisand, starts playing. A sober, and solemn look covers DARCY’S face she starts to sing. She starts off serious and straight, but by the end of the song, she has evolved into a full blown, over the top, and fully exaggerated, supremely drag queen worthy imitation of Barbra Streisand. And she’s proud… VERY proud.
[sings – from karaoke track, or acapella]
Love, soft as an easy chair;
Love, fresh as the morning air.
One love that is shared by two,
I have found with you.
Like a rose, under the April snow,
I was always certain love would grow.
Love…ageless and evergreen,
Seldom seen by two.
You and I will make each night a first;
Every day, a beginning.
Sprits rise, and their dance is unrehearsed…
They warm and excite us,
Cause we have the brightest love,
Two lights that shine as one
Morning glory and midnight sun.
Time…we’ve learned to sail above.
Time…won’t change the meaning of
Ageless and ever
Man… that felt good! Score one for Darcy. Ha, ha, ha… look at that look on Blythe’s face… well, suck it bitch.
26 was performed by Mary Zastrow in the April 2014 Eclectic Voices monologue show The Big Day at The Eclectic Company Theatre.
Born in Dayton, Ohio and raised in New York and California, Ken Patton has been passionate about words, theatre and music from an early age. Upon graduating from the University of California, Los Angeles with a BFA in Theatre, Ken continued his career in the Entertainment by spending the next 3 years at Columbia Pictures Television participating in their now defunct on-site talent training program, learning the various aspects of Television production. Ken has been known to serve as a Producer and Story Consultant for various independent features. Ken also works freelance as a Production Manager, Event Manager, and Consultant. Currently, Ken is working on the book and lyrics for an original, contemporary musical Dirty Martini. Workshop performances for Dirty Martini are slated for later this year.