Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More
This story was inspired by a photo from AwkwardFamilyPhotos.com. Click on the AWKARD to the left or on the link at the bottom to see the image.
a monologue by Sean M. Kozma
A young girl in a red gingerbread man dress enters.
Everybody thinks that being a kid is all fun and games. It’s just happy fun playtime for us, to you adults, isn’t it?
It never occurs to you that all that cooing and fawning, all the cheek pinching and slobbery kisses, might get under my skin.
These adults just dress you up in whatever they feel like. They don’t bother to ask you if you like the color red, or gingerbread men, or if you want your hair in pigtails.
Even if they did, they don’t seem to understand or care when you tell them. It’s like I’m speaking gibberish, so why bother, you know?
They don’t bother to ask if you even want to go to Becky Winchell’s stupid playdate. I mean, have you met Becky Winchell? A year ago, she was eating her own poo. When you look at her, you can hear the hamster wheel creaking.
So today is a perfect example of what I’m talking about. Here I am, at Becky’s place, in this ugly-ass red gingerbread dress, having to put up with Poo-Breath’s friggin’ neuroses. My hair is tied up in these stupid pigtails that are pulling on my hair and giving me such a headache.
Then, when I get here, right off the bat come the adults, with their slobber and pokes and pinches and hair pats.
And they always want you to smile. “Smile! Smile!” All the time with the fucking, “SMILE!” I’ve got an entire god damned lifetime of that crap ahead of me. I can’t even catch a break as a toddler?
Do you know why the world is so screwed up right now? ADULTS! Kids didn’t do this. We just got here. What do we get? We’re “the Hope of the Future.” Fuck you! Why is all this shit my problem now?
But I digress. The adults finish with their unwanted, inappropriate touching, and then it’s playtime.
First Becky wants to play hide and seek. It’s her party, so she gets to go first. But five minutes later, she’s friggin’ bawling because she can’t find anybody, so after ten minutes of that, it’s decided that somebody else should be it, and she’ll hide. Except ten minutes later, she’s bawling again, because she’s trapped herself in a closet. A closet with a sliding door.
My cat is smarter than Poo-Breath, and my cat is cross-eyed and stupid.
Don’t get me started on the friggin’ cat, by the way. That was some sick joke by my parents or something.
So we have to give up on hide and seek, so we break out the board games. What board games do we play?
Candy Land. CANDY LAND! The game requires no reading or counting skills of any kind. There was a copy of Chutes and Ladders right there next to it, and she picked Candy Land.
She kicked the board over when she didn’t win, of course, so then it’s time for cupcakes. Her mom brings in these cupcakes – rainbow sprinkle with vanilla frosting.
And Poo-Breath starts in again with the bawling, and that is just it. I am done. You want to see bawling. I’ll give you a reason to bawl, just you watch!
Sean M. Kozma is a writer, sound designer, and audio technician living in Los Angeles, and working in professional theatre. He also works behind the camera on independent films as production manager, assistant director, and line producer. Originally hailing from southeast Michigan, he has worked as a dishwasher, a fry cook, a delivery driver, a taxicab driver, a dispatcher, an engraver, and an office drone. He is currently writing a novel, among other projects.