Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More
a monologue by Jason Britt
No No No… … NO…No no. I don’t want to talk about him. Every time I start talking about him I just… I start to get all worked up. Takes me too long to calm down, y’know? One thing fucking leads to another and I start to talk about things that don’t mean fuck all to anybody but me and I don’t know what any of it really means…I mean, we just don’t have the TIME, y’know?! Why we would you…Why the fuck would you ask about him, now?! At the eleventh fucking hour. I mean, maybe if you’d asked as soon as I came in…or we had a …a pre-arranged…y’know…thing to devote the whole session to talking about him, but…Yeah… Fuck! … What? … Yes. uhh…Yes I’m affected “a great deal”… You KNOW I’m affected a great deal! HOW COULD… Are you stupid? … Are you STUPID? … Then why are you acting stupid? You know damn well that he affects me, and for you to just casually fucking ask me about him AFTER WE’RE TWO THIRDS DONE WITH OUR SESSION IS JUST FUCKING ASSININE!… Stop looking at me like that! Oh. I get it. You don’t like the fucking swearing and yelling. You make that face. You sit and play dumb for two thirds of our session and then say shit like “I guess he affects you a great deal” with that fucking monotone polite android nothing will affect your disposition bullshit voice and attitude, but the minute I start swearing you make that face. Like the cuss words physically bite you. … Oh I get it. Yeah… You’re affected. These things effect you. I mean, I don’t know why… I guess how you were raised or whatever.. and right now I’m glad that this sort of thing only goes one way… you know the talking about shit just goes in one direction for the most part. … Because if you’re that affected by swearing and yelling then… well… I wouldn’t want to have been raised in your household is all… … Because it was clearly a sterile environment. … oh. oh. Now you’re defensive. Wow. Look how far we’ve come. A couple minutes ago you were completely zen and then we went to cuss words pinching your face and now we got the defensive look. Isn’t it funny how we all react? How we’re all affected. Cause and effect. A butterfly beating it’s wings can cause a hurricane…yada yada… I mean here we are affecting each other. I mean, you’re supposed to be neutral and everything, just listening for the most part but you can’t help it. It’s unavoidable. I mean, here I am. Effectively in your office because of a defect of how greatly I am affected by certain things. Instead of affecting me, an effect of your methodology and such, you probably should be more defective or defecting during these little sessions. … Yeah. Think about that. … It’s strange how sensitive we all are. Or can be. Like certain people don’t affect us at all, yet others… all they have to do is breathe a strange way… You want to talk about affectation… A few years ago when I had that big thing with that guy… you know the one? … Yeah the one that left my heart and soul in a pitiful chaotic goo on the ground after trampling on it with no remorse. … Right. Him. Yeah… so after everything went down with that. After the big breakup and so on and so forth… When he’d kinda moved on and what have you… He started seeing some southern girl. I mean, she looked like she came from the south. I don’t really know where she came from. Mainly she just looked like white trash, I guess. Just tacky. Skanky bitch. So anyways, He and I were still on speaking terms…y’know … still friendly and everything. Still friends with a lot of the same people. Still in some of the same circles and so forth. And I found myself entrenching myself in these “cirlces”. Making an effort to become a core member of these groups and trying to befriend anyone who was at all close to … y’know… him. I tried to find reasons for us to see each other. I had a small cache of stuff that he’d left over at my place. Stuff that I was holding onto so that I could give back to him, of course…. one item at a time. Y’know…. “Oh…I just found….your…blah blah… why don’t you come by and get it….” Or “I’ve got your blah blah… let’s meet for coffee….or beers”…yada yada…. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes he would just tell me to keep it. Some of the stuff wasn’t even his as it turns out. Some other guys… But it could have been his. So… One time when my Uncle died,…I mean, I didn’t know the uncle all that well…He was okay, I guess, but when he died, I played the “We were real close and his loss is devastating” card. Trying to get his sympathetic shoulder to cry on. Maybe more. Who knows, right? Death affects people in strange ways. Well… He didn’t really go for it… He… Y’know, thinking about it now, I should have gone the complete opposite. Instead of “My uncle and I were really close and we meant alot to each other”…which sounds slightly creepy in further evaluation… What I should have done was go the “I hated my uncle. He molested me for years and now that he’s dead I can finally talk about it” route. Y’know? That always gets people more. … Shit. Sorry…but, I’m so pissed. That would have been so much better. What a missed opportunity. Guys are always really ….y’know…affected… with the “molestation” stuff… or “rape” stuff…. That gets them every time. You got a good “I was sexually victimized” story… you’re set. Hook, line, and sinker…They’re permanently…y’know… like…emotionally. What? … Yeah, it’s 20/20 alright… Oh wait. So…so… yeah…. Instead of seducing one of his best friends and sleeping with him and merely using that as a jumping off point for a bit of …y’know…mild drama, ….What I should have done is accuse his friend of …y’know… raping me. Yeah, yeah… that would have gone on for months…the effects. …. … Yes. I’m aware that lying is inherently, y’know, wrong or whatever. …Of course there’s a form of deception that I’m…You know… implementing, but… what’s the ….y’know… like… When you tell a guy something like… like when you’re seeing somebody …and he’s like telling you that he’s y’know… not looking to rush into anything… that he doesn’t want a big commitment thing… and you act all like… “oh, yeah… of course… me too… I totally don’t want anything serious right now. That would be a total mistake. I just want to have fun….blah blah blah” But, of course, you know that you DO want a serious relationship with this man, I mean, we’re all looking for a serious relationship with the right person, but you have to act like you don’t. So he doesn’t feel any pressure. Or like when you’re seeing a guy and you get to the point, like you always do, when, even though you don’t really want to divulge how many people that you’ve slept with, but you’re so curious of how many women he’s been with, that it’s…you know…unavoidable. If you ask him, of course, he’s gonna ask you. And you have to try and guess if he’d be more interested in a … innocent type girl… or someone that’s been around the block a couple times…y’know…someone with some experience that could teach him a thing or two. So you have really have to go by his number, really, and make a split-second decision. So sometimes lying is, y’know, unavoidable. A girl has to do what a girl has to do. Anyways… I attempted to befriend Melony, the southern white trash skank he was seeing. Which is always tricky. Y’know, befriending an ex’s girlfriend. ….. Why? To cause disinformation and such. Y’know, the whole Iago, Othello bit…the handkerchief with the strawberries. Anyway, I manage to conjure up a fragile rapport with Melony long enough to… What? …. (slight laugh)… No… No…of course it’s not rational. I’m not trying to be rational. You’re missing the point, doc. Girls are naturally irrational. All I have to do is follow my primal instincts and extrapolate on that. Irrationality is the whole point. That’s why it works. …. ….. No, ….Of course I couldn’t win him back. That’s not the… Look, I couldn’t have possibly won him back. That ship had sailed. That idea was far away and too far simple and small. I simply still wanted to be in his life, one way or another. I wanted to still matter to him. I couldn’t NOT matter to him, y’know? Even if we couldn’t be together. I still wanted to be a factor in his life. I wanted my actions to mean something to him. Positive or negative. If he was thinking about going over to a friend’s house for a get together, I wanted him to have to give thought to whether or not I’d be there. If he attended a public function, I wanted him to factor my presence into his preparation. If he was in a specific part of town I wanted him to instinctively be cautious about my possible presence. Girlfriends come and go, but a nemesis…. If we couldn’t be lovers, then let us be perfect enemies. If I can’t be a positive in his life, then at least I can be a negative. I can still mean something. I can still …affect him. …. Looks like our goddamn, motherfucking, bullshit, fucksuck time is up.
“Affect” was originally performed by Chelsea Sutton in Eclectic Voices’ monologue show Signs from the Universe, 2011.
Jason Britt is a Libra, loves long walks on the beach, co-ed volleyball, and good conversation. He has written and co-written several one-act plays that have been produced for the Eclectic Company Theatre’s Hurricane Season, a one act play festival. His full length play, Preposterous, was produced and staged at the Eclectic as well. He founded a sketch troupe, Sketch Marks, which performed at the Eclectic and for which he was a writer and thus has transferred some of his sketches into videos for the Faydakin Company and can be found on YouTube. He co-wrote a feature film that he starred in and found it’s way into several film festivals, but is currently in film purgatory.