Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More
a monologue by Tyler Tanner
Upper middle class woman, forties to fifties, dressed to impress enters. With a smartphone or a clipboard.
Okay, so the center pieces will be arriving on Thursday. The dishes and the table cloth are already here and I confirmed with the caterers that they will have 13 gluten free plates for those guests. I can’t believe how much they are charging for those meals. I didn’t even know what gluten free was until he brought her home for the first time. Who doesn’t like cornbread? The recipe was passed down from my grandmother and it was one of his favorites. If your son says that he’s bringing someone over for dinner, you do two things: Break out the family silver and serve the family corn bread. Make it a casual affair but be sure to put in some effort. Welcoming. You know – Southern. Now he’s gluten free. So there goes grandma’s recipe. I really hope this is a phase. He’s always loved food. I remember when he was a just little boy and every mother’s day, he would make me breakfast in bed. He would do it for me on my birthday too. Burnt toast and under cooked scrambled eggs. The bacon, though, was always perfect. Even at the age of seven. I still don’t know how he does it. The first time when I asked him how he made the bacon so delicious he spoke to me in his cute little seven year old voice and said “It’s in the timing, Mommy!” Isn’t that adorable? It became thing with us. “How did you make this bacon so delicious?” It’s in the timing, Mommy!” Of course when he was a teenager and everything was lame, he’d answer with “It’s in the timing, Mother” But he never missed a breakfast while he lived with me and Ned and he got better with eggs and toast. Well, at least bacon is gluten free. And he’ll be cooking for her now. She’s nice. She’s good for him. Did I tell you how they met? At Disney. He was Pluto and she was Minnie Mouse. Guess what the theme of the wedding is going be? I’m not sure what was more difficult: Telling my friends at the rotary club that my son will be wearing a top hat with mouse ears during the entire ceremony and that all ten of the various brides maids will be dressed as Disney Princesses (Ten!) or waiting the five seconds it took for my friends to register what I’ve said and respond with something ……..Diplomatic. I could be worse. They could have met at a haunted house or a tattoo convention. Thanks god he never got one of those. At least not that I know of. She has three. And they chose the Little Mermaid Package. Aqua and purple. Can you believe it? Aqua and Purple. Well, at least she’s wearing a traditional white dress. And at least I have control over the rehearsal dinner. It’s going to be wonderful! I’ve made a deal with the hotel where everyone is staying at in downtown. We’re going to have a sit down dinner on the roof-top patio. The entire area will have Manzanita branches accented with tea lights hanging from them. Have you seen the skyline at night? It’s gorgeous! I cannot wait to see Laurie Plummer’s face when she sees it. Emerald green linen tablecloths and the china? Ivory with a simple silver band. Oh! And the centerpieces….I’m sorry. I must be boring you with all the details…..But can I just say one more thing?…. Book centerpieces! Ha! Won’t that be fun? He always loved to read. It’s an homage to his passion for books. I taught him that. I remember reading him Charlotte’s Web and Stewart Little, Tuck Everlasting. He’s become more of a fantasy and horror nerd now. Which is fine. But he still likes the classics. We trade every now and then. My guilty pleasure is Douglas Preston & Lincoln Child. He got me hooked on to those. Her family doesn’t read that much. Three bedrooms and a pool. One book shelf. Her father owns a sporting goods store. With guns. He took my son out shooting once. What can I tell you, they’re from Arizona. That’s not fair, really. Ned and my father were both in the military. So we’re used to side arms. And Ned has a 12 gauge that he never uses. But I just can’t imagine my little boy doing it. He never showed any interest while he was with us. It’s just…..When did he take to guns? We had them over for dinner a few months ago. The Parents. The Mom is nice, when she can get a word in edgewise. That man loves his football and guns. We really don’t have much in common. They’re even on board with the theme. Can you believe it? He says he always saw his little girl as a princess and now it’s time for the rest of us to see what he’s always saw in her. It’s a sweet sentiment, but….ohboy. I’m curious how this will play out in a few years’ time. If there is a few years’ time. Gasp! That was horrible. Don’t listen to me. You know at least I’ll be getting a daughter out of this. And he could have done a whole lot worse. I don’t mean to harp. The girl that he brought over before this one had purple hair. You know what her name was? Ariel! Ha! Ha! Don’t you dare repeat that to her. You have to promise me. There is one thing that gives me hope through all of this. We were all gathered around, the six of us, and her father says to my son “Well son, I guess now is a good a time as any to start calling me Dad” In front of us. And I didn’t say anything and neither did Ned. We just waited. And my son glanced at us, cleared his throat and said “With respect sir, I don’t feel comfortable doing that” and that shut. Him. Right. Up………..It’s going to be a good wedding. Oh! Did I tell you about the menu yet? Southern fare. We’re starting with cornbread. My Grandmother’s recipe……
This monologue was originally performed by Judy Nazemetz in “The Big Day” at The Eclectic Company Theatre in 2014.
Originally from Texas, Tyler Tanner, as a young lad, dreamed of becoming the next Don Dokken. At Lon Morris College his musical tastes refined and realized he was more of a Robert Goulet type. He then tried his hand at writing comedy. It started with an online comedy troupe called What’s Wrong With Wally, then evolved to Tres Grimm at The Met and a late night serial comedies at Sacred Fools and The Eclectic. He has now “matured” to drama where he incorporated his wittiness and love of history into a monologue called “A Life” which played also at the Eclectic.