Eclectic Voices

Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More

The Limo Driver

Big Day 4a monologue by Sean M. Kozma

Lights up on a LIMO DRIVER, dressed in a typical limo driver simple black tux.

Yeah, I could tell you lots of crazy stories about being a limo driver for weddings. You see all kinds of things. I’ve had couples and wedding parties do just about everything you could imagine in my limo. Drinking, drugs… Hey, it’s a party, you know? I’ve cleaned all six of the bodily fluids out of the back of my limo, at various times. And yes, I’m counting feces. If you don’t think feces is a fluid, you should try cleaning it out of the back of a limo some time…

…Although I probably shouldn’t be telling you about that…

…So yeah, party, party, party –vomit, vomit, vomit… And, you know, the other stuff.
Drink and drugs, drink and drugs…Though not everybody. Lots of people are pretty tame on their wedding day. Still, lots of imbibing. And yeah, I’ve been offered it all. People just trying to be friendly, you know? I always turned them down. Not that I don’t like to partake, or have a few drinks every now and then, but I’ve always tried to keep it professional… That’s just how I roll… But I also don’t want to rain on their big day, so I usually turned a blind eye, provided they weren’t doing anything too egregious. Egregious is a great word, isn’t it? Thankfully, while there was the occasional hard stuff, it was usually just pot and booze. Sometimes a little coke…

Eventually, I had to draw the line at heroin and meth, though. Heroin means pretty much guaranteed fluids to clean up, and at least three different kinds. And meth heads will want to start ripping up the interior, looking for spiders or some shit. Thankfully, you don’t get too many junkies or tweakers getting married, for some pretty obvious reasons. Still…

…Although I probably shouldn’t be telling you about that…

And yes, lots of sex in the back of the limo. For most people, that’s the only chance they’re going to get to have sex that day. By the end of the day they’re exhausted, they’ve been up since 5:00 that morning, or earlier, they’re wasted, and by the time they get to the room, they’re lucky if they make to the bed before they pass out.

Anyway, this one time, we’re driving around between the ceremony and the reception… and we’re just, you know, driving. Nowhere in particular. They wanted to get their quickie in, but it’s turning into a little more than a quickie, so I’m just driving around. Eventually I park on a hill over by the Hollywood sign, to enjoy the view, listening to them go at it. You know…(Makes sex moans and noises)… And all of the sudden the shield comes down! And they’re still going at it! So, I’m trying to ignore it, and let them do their thing, when they invite me back to join them!

Now my first reaction was to keep it professional, and politely decline. You know, “Thanks, but no thanks.” And they’re all, like, “Are you sure?” And I’m like, “I usually try to keep things professional,” but they keep at it! So now I’m thinking Penthouse Forum Letter time, right? But I keep it cool, and I say, “Didn’t you guys just get married?” And they say, “Funny you should say that…” And I look back, and it’s two dudes going at it! I don’t know how I didn’t notice it before, but I guess she… he… she… was wearing a nice dress, and was very pretty… But she’s got a dick, you know? Like a chick with a dick or something? Or maybe he just liked cross dressing or something, I don’t know, I don’t really know the scene or the lingo, you know? And they’re like, “Come on, why don’t you join us?” So, of course, I did. Although I probably shouldn’t be telling you that…

Anyway, eventually we wound up caught up in a police chase — not that the cops were after us, we just wound up involved in the chase somehow. Eventually, we wound up driving the limo into the reservoir and had to swim to shore…And that’s how I lost my limo job and wound up doing this. Never did get to the reception. Anyway, I’ll pop the back door, and you can load the coffin in.

______________________________

This monologue was originally performed by Paul Duffy in Eclectic Voices’ monologue show The Big Day in 2014.

Sean M. Kozma is a writer, sound designer, and audio technician living in Los Angeles, and working in professional theatre. He also works behind the camera on independent films as production manager, assistant director, and line producer. Originally hailing from southeast Michigan, he has worked as a dishwasher, a fry cook, a delivery driver, a taxicab driver, a dispatcher, an engraver, and an office drone. He is currently writing a novel, among other projects.

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This entry was posted on May 3, 2015 by in Monologues and tagged , , , , , , , .
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