Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More
Part of the annual Halloween issue. Read at the 2016 Lit Crawl.
by Mark Bate
Ah, coffee, the great elixir of the afterlife. I just can’t seem to start my day without it– ma’am. Ma’am! Ma’am, you’re going to have to wait behind the yellow line until this window is officially open. That okay with you? Thank you. The nerve of some people, can’t even get settled before they jump all over you. “Me, me, me. Want, want, want.” I don’t care if you can hear me, ma’am, because I’m not here yet. Hey Bernice! This one says she can hear me, guess we got another mind reader over here. Now, back to business. Let’s see, paperclips, check. Stapler– fully loaded, check. Super-duty hand sanitizer to protect against the masses, double-check. Coffee–mmmm, check. Oh, almost forgot, my limited edition Exorcist squeezy ball to relieve stress– ah–check. Now there’s a place for everything and everything in it’s place, so says the corporate bible, chapter 11, verse whatever-something-or-other. I’m so sorry, ma’am, do you have somewhere to be? Is that it? Ma’am. Ma’am. Ma’am! Back behind the yellow line, please. I’ll be right with you. Hey Bernice! Did you see what Clarence posted this morning? That man is a nut. Right, as well as a werewolf, I know, so true. Now, what can I do for you, ma’am? You have to come closer I can’t hear you from way over there. Ma’am. Ma’am. Ma’am! Step over the yellow line, please. I swear, some people. What’s that, ma’am? Oh, I’m sorry– SIR. Oh, before we go any further, I have to read this new statement from upstairs, where did I put that– oh yea, here we go, and I quote, “anyone wishing to be referred to as a specific gender will be treated with the utmost care, courtesy, and respect as to their wishes on how they wish to be addressed–” blah, blah, blah. It goes on like that for a while. Anyway– SIR? What do you want? Are you living? Human? We don’t handle your kind. You’re in the wrong line. You want the Department of Motor Vehicles, this is the Department of Monstrous Vermin. Thank you, good day, NEXT! What do you want? Oh, no-no-no-no, these forms are for registering a class C Haunting, not a full phantasmal Class A Haunting. You need to go to that line over there, collect forms 148-B12, 148-DD, make sure you fill out the double-Ds, that gets me every time, and fill them out in triplicate with a copy of you mother’s or “life-giver’s” original Pre-Christian name along with a sample of blood, or “the appropriate life-giving fluid contained within your person”. Take that over to that other line over there and David will be more than happy to assist you. Thank you, good day, NEXT! What’s your problem? Sorry, honey, hold on a second. Hey Bernice! Did you see the hair on that one? Tragic. Loved it. #LikeyLikey. Now, what did you want? No. No. No. No. No. You’ll need to come back. Vampire training licenses are only handled at midnight every third Tuesday of every other month except on a leap year when it’s every Tuesday of every third month unless you have a hardship training license form, which you do not, leaving you to come back at the appropriate time. I suggest making an appointment online to avoid having to wait in a long line. Thank you, good day, NEXT! Sorry, we don’t handle anything related to Yeti breeding, thank you, good day, NEXT! May I start by saying you’re outfit is atrocious and I love it, unfortunately, this form is expired and you’ll have to go to that ungodly long line, over there, to get three forms that will allow you to get the new form to process the old form allowing you to have a brand spanky new Dragon Permit. Thank you, good day, NEXT! Yes, we do accept checks, just not those. Thank you, good day, NEXT! I’m sorry, you’re going to have to do something about those tentacles, they are leaking everywhere. Thank you, Sir. Sir. Sir! BACK BEHIND THE YELLOW LINE UNTIL I CALL YOU PLEASE! Some people. Hey Bernice! We got another eager beaver over here. Behind the yellow line. The yellow line. Yellow line. YELLOW LINE! Are you deaf? Oh, sorry. Hey Bernice! Just a zombie. Sir, I don’t speak zombie, you’ll have to wait in that line over there until someone who speaks you’re language can help you. SIR, YOU WAIT THAT LINE SOMEONE HELP YOU. Please, if you’re going to live somewhere–okay, uuuhhhhgnn nuuugghn, to you too. NEXT! Do you have your Human Consumption paperwork? That looks good. Your Apocolyptic Destruction permits? That all looks good. Put the dates of your Apocolypse here. And here. Are you using more than one demon horde? Just the one. That’s fine. Okay, staple. Stamp. Stamp. My signature here. Stamp that. Staple these. Hey Bernice! I’m sending one over to get it’s picture taken! Everything looks good. Just step over there, look in the camera and don’t make any funny faces. Bernice will take your picture and you’ll get your End Of Days permit in the mail in the next 4 to 6 weeks. Thank you, good day. Ma’am. Ma’am. Ma’am! Hey! What am I speaking Chinese here? Back behind the yellow line. Thank you. Hey Bernice! I’m going on my break. I’ll be back in about two hours, you want me to grab you anything? Hey, hey, hey! Back behind the yellow line. Geesh, Golems. You’d think they’ve never been in public before.
Mark Bate is an entertainer who works and lives in Southern California. He started writing as a standup performer in the Midwest before moving to the LA area and making contributions to various sketch comedy shows and is happy to be a member of the Eclectic Voices. Currently a collection of short stories sits on his desk huddled between two film scripts, a stage play, and a pile of notes for a novel.