Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More
Part of our annual Halloween issue. Read at the 2016 Lit Crawl.
by Niki Blumberg
Location: Early Halloween morning. A Party City store in Tilden, New Hampshire.
Every Halloween begins in a bag. One magical bag. Wigs do come in separate bags. So, you might need more than one, but still, it’s all bags.
As you can see, I work at Party City. Party City sucks. Duh.
And these bags? They aren’t magical. They’re made in China. Not saying Chinese things can’t be magical, but I’m pretty sure most polyester things aren’t magical.
I think to myself a lot about a bunch of random stuff. Why is it that every time I turn on the radio, it’s a Rihanna song? How many songs does she freaking have? I think about that. I think about the balance involved in being a giraffe. I think about how shitty of a city Party City would be if it were a real city. I think about why I don’t have a girlfriend.
When I was 18, I got arrested for counterfeiting 20 dollar bills out of a shitty color printer. Dumb. Can’t believe I got away with it for so long. Even when the bills were streaked because the ink was low, people still took the money. I don’t know who’s dumber. Me or people. Probably about the same.
I’ve been out for over 3 years. I can drink a Kiwi Strawberry Snapple whenever I want. I can sing Sublime’s “Wrong Way” really fucking loud as I’m driving to work. I can walk into the woods at the Route 93 junction, until I can’t hear the cars anymore, and sit on a fallen log until I can’t see the sun anymore.
I love the freedom. But I hate the Halloween shift. So many sugared-up children. So many white people trying on afros and saying racist shit. So many teenagers opening the make-up, making a goddamn mess, and then making out in the aisles. But hey – maybe I’ll meet someone today. Who knows?
Sometimes I’m in here, alone, for too long and I start feeling like one of these costumes-in-a-bag.
At least I have tonight off. I’ve decided who I’m going as. Out of all the costumes in this huge fake city, I’m going as someone nobody expects. The costume that is going to surprise everyone. The one that no one saw coming. I’m going as “Myself.” No, just kidding. I’m going as a vampire. I already have the cape so I mean. It’s easy.
Eliza, hi, I’m Victor. I didn’t know I’d be getting help this morning.
No! No. No. No. No. It’s great. It’s great.
First day and they put you on the Halloween shift? You must be good.
My best advice? Take a deep breath, put on a Bob the Builder construction hat, and watch out for errant pieces of sharp plastic. You’ll do great. It’s nice to meet you.
Niki Blumberg is a composer, playwright, and publicist. She served as Associate Artistic Director at Theater 150, Ojai’s professional theatre company and Marketing Manager for A Noise Within in Pasadena. Currently, she is a performing arts publicist for Davidson & Choy Publicity. Her theater works include Love’s Labour’s LOST: The Musical!, a mash-up of Shakespeare and the TV show, LOST, which had it’s world-premiere at Theater 150 in Ojai. Her first full-length musical, The Thorny Kings, a cautionary tale about an extra-terrestrial Jesus, was produced in Boston. She is currently working on a new musical: Bridget Bright for City Council.