Eclectic Voices

Fiction, Monologues, Plays & More

Fake News: Lysistrata Corporation Announces New Business Model

March’s Writers Challenge is to write Propaganda or Fake News. 100 to 500 word article using the Inverted pyramid Style of New article writing. It can be about anything you want as long as it’s not real. Here is what one writer came up with:

by Sean M. Kozma

New York, NY — In a series of startling press releases, the Lysistrata Corporation (NYSE — LYS) announced the start of its operations today, while simultaneously announcing that the corporation now employs every woman in the world, literally all 3.5 billion of them. But that was just the beginning of the Lysistrata salvo.

In a separate press release, Lysistrata also announced that men — all of them, everywhere — would no longer be getting any sex until they can “get it together and knock that shit off.” Although the press release was non-specific as to what “that shit” might be, when pressed for elaboration, a Lysistrata spokeswoman clarified, “You know… the violence, the raping and pillaging, the greed and selfishness, the abuse and neglect, the unrepentant ravaging of the world’s natural resources… that sort of thing.”

A sales brochure, provided in the press packet, noted than any man could buy back his sex rights by signing over all his worldly possessions and holdings. If he was already in an established relationship with a Lysistrata employee, he will be able to take up that relationship where it left off when his partner was hired, provided she consents. If she does not consent, or if the man was not previously in a relationship with a woman, every conceivable effort will be made to find a Lysistrata employee who will tolerate him as a sexual partner.

If no woman consents to be his willing sexual partner, his worldly possessions will be returned to him, minus any stocks, business and property holdings, and weapons, which will be kept as a “processing fee.”

Any man may also petition for a waiver on grounds of not being one of “those men,” but the brochure notes that the burden of proof for not being one of those men is quite high, and the background check involved takes a considerable amount of time, so any man considering applying for a waiver is advised that it is much quicker to “just hand over all of your stuff.”

To be sure, Lysistrata’s new business model is unusual, especially given that they manufacture no tangible product, but a panel of economists that had an opportunity to look over Lysistrata’s books declared the venture exciting and extraordinary, with a high likelihood of profitability.

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This entry was posted on March 23, 2018 by in Fiction and tagged , .
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